sometimes things just come up and smack me in the back of the head... and sometimes they are gentler.. i have known for a couple of days now that i was down in the dumps.. kept trying to put it off as being sick, being stressed out, that i was missing J, anything to avoid thinking about the real reason... July 9th 1994 was one of the worst days of my life.... and every year as that day draws near i get depressed, most times i am not even sure why, more often then not it is only as i look back to that day on the calendar that i realize oh shit no wonder... today what made me look at the calendar was this post by Mags that made me think of my mom and realize it is the 11th now i made it through another year now to just make it through the rest of this month...
My mother was an alcoholic, she started drinking when my step-dad died at the age of 30 of a massive heart attack. She was with him when he died. The day they buried him she got drunk, as did almost everyone in the house... everyone else sobered up, i am not sure she ever did... at least she never wanted to. My mother and i had a difficult relationship, i was rebellious as teens can be, but as i look back on it now, maybe it was just a cry for help. I never felt that she loved me as much as she did my sister, her child with my step-dad. I was just never good enough, in June of 1994 i got married, i had my mother come up for the wedding, she did not drink much if at all. We had a good visit, she went home to Phoenix and had a cold, i did not think too much of it at the time, the climate change the planes all of it could have given her a cold. two or three weeks later i was in the hospital for a few days, preterm labor with her second grandchild. When i got out of the hospital i tried to call her, her spouse told me she was in the hospital with pneumonia. I called the hospital and talked to her she was sure she was going to be fine and would call me in a couple of days. When i called her the next day she was on a respirator, the pneumonia was not responding to medication. July 9th one month and 5 days after my wedding she was gone. They had found cancer and although it was pneumonia that had actually killed her, it was because of the cancer that the medicine would not work. Two weeks to the day later my youngest son her second grandchild was born...
It may seem silly to some that i have a hard time this month every year, i try to stay busy and not think about it, but still it affects me, i miss my mom, i regret all the times we would go months without speaking because of some perceived slight, i look at my young man growing so fast who has her eyes, and wish she was here to know him, that he could know his grandma. I talk to my grandmother and wonder how is she so strong to have lost her only child, both of her husbands and all of her sisters (she was one of four) and still get up and face each day... I would give almost anything to have some of that time back, even if she was drinking, but i can't have it, so i go on... missing you mom
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I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about mother-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute a story. Please visit my blog for information about being interviewed for “Mom's Little Angel.”
Gregory E. Lang
Author of “Daddy’s Little Girl,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Dad,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Mom” and more.
For the past two years, during the "happiest time of the year" it's all I can do to get out of the house. Why? Because my grandmother died. It's suppose to get easier, but it doesn't, does it? ((hugs))
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